Nuances of colour according to the heart

I dont know who I am

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Finally in California. We spent the night at Kevin’s uncles house. It is absolutely stunning here. I’m really glad my mom is here with me. It was wonderful to see Kevin again. I feel at home when I’m with him. I can’t wait to see what California is all about. It’s so surreal that I’m actually here now. I’m most excited to see UCLA. Oh my word I’m excited. This is my home for the next four years. Not sure what to expect. Maybe better not to expect anything. I just hope I make amazing friends and stay true to my relationship. I’m so blessed to be here and I am truly grateful! I’ve got to work my hardest and try my hardest to be the best that I can be

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Shout out

I was looking at Michael’s year book today after his graduation, and on his page he gave a shout out to some important people in his life. It made me think of the important people in my life, and the things that I would want to say to them. 

Dear mom and dad: I cannot begin to put to words what you both mean to me. Everything good that I am is directly from you. Dad, your overwhelmingly generous heart moves me so much. I can only hope that one day I may be as warm and beautiful as you. You are my inspiration and I love you so much. You would go to the ends of the earth for people, and you have proven to me time and time again your unyielding, unconditional love. I love your quirky humor. You make me laugh straight from my mouth to my eyes. I only wish happiness and health for you as you get older. I want you to have the life you deserve. I want to do everything in my power to make sure you live the life that you deserve. 

Mom, you are truly a force to be reckoned with. From you I have learnt the importance of keeping true to myself. You are the most dependable person that I know and I admire your stoic heart. From you I learnt how to be an independent person, how to work hard and how to appreciate the small things in life as well as the big. It is an honor to be the daughter of such a strong willed, and powerful woman, a woman who knows who she is and knows that she is capable of taking care of herself. I’m sorry for being bitter towards you when I was growing up. I didn’t realize the sacrifices that you had made on my behalf. Underneath your formidable strength is a warmth and kindness like no other. You are a truly amazing, caring, loving human being and I aspire to be just like you one day. You are such an amazing role model and mother. I love you so much and I just want to make sure that you are never in need. Growing up I was so privileged, never wanted for anything. I had everything and more. I will work my hardest to make you proud. I want to be the daughter that you can depend on always. 

Dear Christine: All I can say is that I am so lucky to have an older sister like you. You have always been my idol. I’ve always looked up to you. You are such a compassionate, loving person and I’m so glad I have someone like you on my side. Through everything we have always had such a good sibling relationship. I know I’ve made some mistakes in the past but I intend to do better by you. You have always been there for me when I needed you. You were the only one who understood my struggles as an adolescent, and you were able to sympathize. I remember as a child I wanted to be just like you. Your sense of empathy and compassion astounds me. You are so strong and amazing. You don’t let the world harden you, instead you turn your trials into lessons of forgiveness and new beginnings. I hope that I too will be able live my life in that way. I love you dearly. I can’t imagine a world without your guidance and friendship. 

Dear Candice: You are my light. You are truly the most beautiful little soul. I don’t think I could have made it through this year without you. You are joy in its purest form and I can’t imagine life without you in it. I am so grateful to have you as my little sister. I hope that one day we may live closer to eachother so I can see you grow and develop into a strong, magnificent young woman. I see your picture everywhere I go to remind of how happy you make me. I want to set a good example for you.  And I hope that society doesn’t get to you like it gets to me sometimes. I hope you stay strong in your belief in who you are. In the end the only opinion that matters is yours.

Dear Kevin: Thank you for everything. Thank you for teaching me more about myself, the good and the not so good. With you I am able to be my most honest and wretched self. Thank you for tolerating and loving the latter. You make me feel beautiful and loved for being exactly who I am. Who could ask for more? I’m not particularly good at being the leader, and figuring stuff out isn’t my strong suit but you make me feel safe. You make me feel like things are going to be okay. I take you for granted too often. Our relationship has been met with several trials and we have pulled through every time. I still love you with the force and joy that you brought me from the very beginning. I will not let you down. 

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I am awake in the dark with this tiny little bundle breathing deeply next to me. She is my safety net tonight. I hold onto her tiny little hand and for once I feel at home. I just want to lie here and hold her hand. Together we are everything. She is my everything. Her smile is what makes me want to get up in the morning. Her laugh is what reminds me that there is truth, love and even goodness in the world. She is pure and without fault. I love you my darling with every piece of me that exists.

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My darling baby sister celebrated her very first birthday today. May 19th 2014. Today was one of those days that you wish that which memory is in theory to be reality. It’s one of those days that make perfect sense. Seeing this bubbly little girl totter into the room after a good bath, big toothy grin on her face, dressed in the most adorable pink dress, was honestly one of the purest and happiest moments of my life. It is so beautiful that this little person can bring people from literally different worlds together. Never in a million years did I ever dream of having a younger sibling, let alone a Cambodian one. And yet I wouldn’t have it any other way. She is absolutely the most precious human in the world. She brings such joy to everyone in her presence. I know I am not alone when I say that she has changed my life for the better. I love her so much and I wish she would never grow up. I can’t stop staring at her pictures, which will forever remain the same as she and the people around her change as time moves forward. Her cake was just magnificent. And though she barely even gave the cake a second glance I could tell she knew that today was an important day. I am so grateful to have had these days to spend with my dad, my two sisters and my dads girlfriend. They are such a gift. I am so wonderfully privileged and I will do everything in my power to make sure that they get what they deserve, nothing but the best. I love them so so much. All I ask is that health and happiness follow them always, follow us always. I pray only those things for my mom, my dad, my sisters and all those that I love.